how we perceive the world and how we react to people & situation around us in the present is largely a result of our past experiences. experiences that left an impact, small or huge; happy, disappointed, painful, sad or thankful. experiences that greatly shape the way one view matters: be it relationship, decisions, one's desires and definiton of happiness.

watching a drama serial struck a chord in my heart, i helplessly teared the first night, cried the second night while praying for the ache to go, and sobbed the third night as i watched each episode unwind. what was the ache tugging at my heart so deep and intense all about?
is it that i'm engrossed in the characters' thoughts and emotions while they say their lines superficially that i'm able to feel so much that i cry or is it possibly the thoughts and emotions interplayed in each scene bears resemblance to the matters of my heart, to the extent i helplessly sink into.

it has to be the latter. after i sobbed relentlessly for the past three nights before i laid asleep with tears in my eyes, tonight i realised why the tears kept flowing.

16 years old, young and innocent girl meets shy and boy next door looking boy. their eyes met and it spoke an unspeakable language. unable to fathom what that meant, they both wondered and shared with a close friend they trusted in. it has to be more than just coincidence. the close friend each shared with turned out to be the same person. she was stunned when each account fitted like a key and lock, which unlocked the mystery: girl met boy which turned out to be her close friend's cousin.

girl and boy began writing letters, sending SMS and speaking to each other through a middleman, the close friend of girl/cousin of boy. they exchanged gifts, a silent way of expressing fondness. it is difficult to shelve the feelings into a category, this experience is pretty much out of the world. but at least, both girl and boy knew they like each other. boy received a letter of acceptance to Cambridge University, boy is born with everything laid out for him, a highly reputable family. girl is anything but ordinary,overlooked by any extraordinary gaze.

boy promised girl he'll be missing her while he is overseas studying while girl remains in Singapore. since the departure of boy, girl yearned for boy's presence, girl grew upset, always waiting for boy's email or call. time passed, an email was received by girl. boy told girl to stop waiting for him. boy told girl to pursue relationship if someone likes her, boy wasn't worth the wait he said.

girl was disappointed, she grew to be angry and hopeless with regards to boy. during this trying period, a guyfriend of girl was always by her side. with a twist of fate, this guyfriend of girl began liking girl as he spent everyday by her side, making her happy while she cried about boy. girl accepted guyfriend's offer to protect her and to love her. girl and guyfriend became girl and boyfriend.

half a year passed, boy returned to Singapore for vacation. boy gave a card to girl on her birthday. boy and girl's birthday is just a few days apart. in the card boy wrote to girl, he expressed his deepest regrets and honest feelings towards girl. boy wants a chance to love girl, even at the disapproval of boy's mum who was against girl. their family background are poles apart. could love triumph all boundaries?

girl likes boy deeply since they met, yet girl has been happy and comfortable with boyfriend. torned between a 'hopeless romantic case' and 'reality', girl attempted to break up with boyfriend. it defied the mind to do such an act since nothing was wrong with the relationship. girl continued to be with boyfriend.

close friend of girl constantly tells of her cousin, boy who is hurting every moment. boy went through depression, sickness and pain while girl is happy with boyfriend. boy is at heart, a mummy's boy and shy person. with almost no face to face contact with girl, lesser messages through letters or middleman, girl and boy distance is widening and deepening at the expense of the heart.

years passed, boy breaks news that since the mistake he made then till now, he still loves girl but he has been placed in a planned marriage. boy, somehow pushed to desperation and very much his nature, agreed to his mum's wishes. girl woke up at boy's news of engagement due in a few months time.

girl grabbed her heart and realised that all these while deep in the reservoir of her heart breathes the only wish that boy returns to her. girl broke up with boyfriend, waiting for boy to return to her. girl cried every night since the news.

boy got married. girl didn't give up. girl was 18 years old when boy married.
she continued waiting, crying in her heart, murmuring prayers for boy's return.
many counselled girl, her heart decided to stop beating for boy. she was 19 years old already when she made up her mind.

deranged and lost, she was fooled into man's charming words and sauve actions and got caught up in futile frivalous moments.

soon to be 21 years old, she cried once again. this time about boy, but not for boy.
she was courageous and chased boy who's cute and so very warm at conversations. strucked by his incessant chatter and bubbly self, he was pretty much a guy version of her.

there has to be a closure to boy. i believe i've found the closure in my heart after 5 years.

i've been selfish and afraid to love.

i've met boy. this boy i'll begin a new chapter of love with - less of my selfish gratifying "love" but more of unconditional love, the Lord's brand of love.

i'll stop crying tonight and began smiling truly from my heart in all tomorrows.
i do not fear to love someone with my heart. i stop fearing heartaches as i realise my hope has to be in something eternal and timeless - agape love.

not I but You. . .

B>Greetings