the working environment i am in is usually stressful. to unwind my spirit and keep myself going for the long day, i pen my thoughts down and read the bible, alternating between it. i'm reading psalms at the moment, beautiful expression of God and man, the relationship they share.

I penned this down at 1010 am.

make me know my ends
that i look beyond myself
make me see my frailty
that i lean not on myself

You,
be my refuge
to shelter each wave
be my arms
to embrace my flesh

the gaze in his eyes
fills unspeakable sparks in the air
the touch of his hand
sends warmth to the naked skin
the presence of his
skips a heartbeat once or twice
the outburst of his laughters
perks up a dull moment

make me know my ways
to be on your journey
make me see the light
to walk in the narrow path

strong as it can be, there needs to be sanity.
it doesn't seem too right or fitting, yet it takes over
wild as it might seem, it actually conceives.
rule by it and it could destroy or create
i am feelings, hand in hand with emotions.
do i get to play by me?

suppression leads to oppression at times. it could bring about opposite effects than one has in mind to achieve. somehow for the best of the majority, suppression is prevalent. one becomes slave, the other the master.

it shall be it.

beginning it was all bright and cheery at work. absolutely thrilled at the panoramic view i partake each morning and afternoon - esplanade, marina bay, tall towers of big firms along shenton & boat quay, further away psa and the few isolated islands. whenever i feel bored or weary at work, i'll turn towards the thick clouds and it'll lift my spirit. i wish i see Jesus among the clouds.

in the office, good company was crucial and i had a great bit of that. daniel's my ever sensitive partner to help and cheer me up when i don't get the sales. harwin has crap loads of pick up lines which he used on me, "if you were a burger at macs, you're called mcgorgeous." lol and there were more. gopi would give me cheeky smiles as if to imply sth between daniel and i. good grief. lastly not to mention my loveliest pamela who's so cute & sweet. it's cool how from sunday school partner teachers we've gotten closer as friends who share a common mindset towards most matters. it's close to home that she's from kc too. =)

seems like the good doesn't last long sometimes- difference in pay between collegues of similar biographics and the monotony of describing the same product sets in. and it doesn't help that daniel is off for reservice from mon! =/

but i still want to thank God for the job that pays decent and my results of sem 2. i managed to pull up my cap, not as much as i forecasted. but i choose to be thankful.

the throats aching, my neck aching. my heart feels wierd.

anyway nise i miss you very much, please come back soon.

and i'm confirmed a place in raffles hall! i'm tasked to be the choral director for the upcoming rh musical, what a daunting one cause technicalities such as pitching & piano skills is tough for me!

how we perceive the world and how we react to people & situation around us in the present is largely a result of our past experiences. experiences that left an impact, small or huge; happy, disappointed, painful, sad or thankful. experiences that greatly shape the way one view matters: be it relationship, decisions, one's desires and definiton of happiness.

watching a drama serial struck a chord in my heart, i helplessly teared the first night, cried the second night while praying for the ache to go, and sobbed the third night as i watched each episode unwind. what was the ache tugging at my heart so deep and intense all about?
is it that i'm engrossed in the characters' thoughts and emotions while they say their lines superficially that i'm able to feel so much that i cry or is it possibly the thoughts and emotions interplayed in each scene bears resemblance to the matters of my heart, to the extent i helplessly sink into.

it has to be the latter. after i sobbed relentlessly for the past three nights before i laid asleep with tears in my eyes, tonight i realised why the tears kept flowing.

16 years old, young and innocent girl meets shy and boy next door looking boy. their eyes met and it spoke an unspeakable language. unable to fathom what that meant, they both wondered and shared with a close friend they trusted in. it has to be more than just coincidence. the close friend each shared with turned out to be the same person. she was stunned when each account fitted like a key and lock, which unlocked the mystery: girl met boy which turned out to be her close friend's cousin.

girl and boy began writing letters, sending SMS and speaking to each other through a middleman, the close friend of girl/cousin of boy. they exchanged gifts, a silent way of expressing fondness. it is difficult to shelve the feelings into a category, this experience is pretty much out of the world. but at least, both girl and boy knew they like each other. boy received a letter of acceptance to Cambridge University, boy is born with everything laid out for him, a highly reputable family. girl is anything but ordinary,overlooked by any extraordinary gaze.

boy promised girl he'll be missing her while he is overseas studying while girl remains in Singapore. since the departure of boy, girl yearned for boy's presence, girl grew upset, always waiting for boy's email or call. time passed, an email was received by girl. boy told girl to stop waiting for him. boy told girl to pursue relationship if someone likes her, boy wasn't worth the wait he said.

girl was disappointed, she grew to be angry and hopeless with regards to boy. during this trying period, a guyfriend of girl was always by her side. with a twist of fate, this guyfriend of girl began liking girl as he spent everyday by her side, making her happy while she cried about boy. girl accepted guyfriend's offer to protect her and to love her. girl and guyfriend became girl and boyfriend.

half a year passed, boy returned to Singapore for vacation. boy gave a card to girl on her birthday. boy and girl's birthday is just a few days apart. in the card boy wrote to girl, he expressed his deepest regrets and honest feelings towards girl. boy wants a chance to love girl, even at the disapproval of boy's mum who was against girl. their family background are poles apart. could love triumph all boundaries?

girl likes boy deeply since they met, yet girl has been happy and comfortable with boyfriend. torned between a 'hopeless romantic case' and 'reality', girl attempted to break up with boyfriend. it defied the mind to do such an act since nothing was wrong with the relationship. girl continued to be with boyfriend.

close friend of girl constantly tells of her cousin, boy who is hurting every moment. boy went through depression, sickness and pain while girl is happy with boyfriend. boy is at heart, a mummy's boy and shy person. with almost no face to face contact with girl, lesser messages through letters or middleman, girl and boy distance is widening and deepening at the expense of the heart.

years passed, boy breaks news that since the mistake he made then till now, he still loves girl but he has been placed in a planned marriage. boy, somehow pushed to desperation and very much his nature, agreed to his mum's wishes. girl woke up at boy's news of engagement due in a few months time.

girl grabbed her heart and realised that all these while deep in the reservoir of her heart breathes the only wish that boy returns to her. girl broke up with boyfriend, waiting for boy to return to her. girl cried every night since the news.

boy got married. girl didn't give up. girl was 18 years old when boy married.
she continued waiting, crying in her heart, murmuring prayers for boy's return.
many counselled girl, her heart decided to stop beating for boy. she was 19 years old already when she made up her mind.

deranged and lost, she was fooled into man's charming words and sauve actions and got caught up in futile frivalous moments.

soon to be 21 years old, she cried once again. this time about boy, but not for boy.
she was courageous and chased boy who's cute and so very warm at conversations. strucked by his incessant chatter and bubbly self, he was pretty much a guy version of her.

there has to be a closure to boy. i believe i've found the closure in my heart after 5 years.

i've been selfish and afraid to love.

i've met boy. this boy i'll begin a new chapter of love with - less of my selfish gratifying "love" but more of unconditional love, the Lord's brand of love.

i'll stop crying tonight and began smiling truly from my heart in all tomorrows.
i do not fear to love someone with my heart. i stop fearing heartaches as i realise my hope has to be in something eternal and timeless - agape love.

not I but You. . .

I've been suffering from an excessive amount of daily flatulence(farts).
I suffer from the stench and tummyache. Poor me. =( It comes periodically and last for a period of 2 weeks; it's torturing me la, the churning of bowels and tummy. I visit the toilet due to bowel movements on average two to four times a day!! That's too much. . . urgh why do I have so much shit?

Facts on Flatulence (Farts)

I went to search what are the reasons for farts. Here is what I got:

Where does fart gas come from?

The air we swallow, gas sweeping into our intestines from our blood, gas produced by chemical reactions in our guts, and gas produced by bacteria living in our guts.

What makes farts stink?

The odour of farts come from small amounts of hydrogen sulfide gas and mercaptans in the mixture. These compounds contain sulfur. Nitrogen rich compounds such as skatole and indole also add to the stench of farts. The more sulfur-rich your diet, the more sulfides and mercaptans will be produced by the bacteria in your guts, and the more your farts will stink. Foods such as cauliflower, eggs and meat are notorious for producing smelly farts, whereas beans produce large amount of not particularly stinky farts.

How much fart gas does a normal person pass each day?

On average, a person produces about half a litre of fart gas per day, distributed over an average of about 14 daily farts. Lol

Is it true that some people never fart?

No, not if they're alive. People even fart shortly after death.

What things other than diet can make a person fart more than usual?

People who swallow a lot of air fart more than people who don't. This can be cured somewhat by chewing with your mouth closed (translate to don't talk when ure eating), eating more slowly, and not gulping food or liquids. Chewing gums, smoking and sucking on candy also can cause a person to swallow more air. Carbonated drinks give a person extra gas. Nervous people with fast moving bowels will fart more because less air is absorbed out of the intestines.

Is fart really just a burp that comes out the wrong end?

No, a burp emerges from the stomach & has a different chemical composition from a fart. Fart have less atmospheric gas content and more bacterial gas content than burps.

Conclusion: I must be suffering from irritable bowel syndrome(doctor diagnosed it). I should talk less when I'm eating and eat less meat! =/ i love meat. I've learnt abit more bout farts. It's normal to fart daily, but I wish to have less of it. =P

Thank God there is no signage of such in the public. =)

phew I've called up the scholarship officer at last. been wrecking my brain, rehearsing the lines when they pop the question, "What are your reasons for changing major?"

I called to enquire the procedures to go about getting approval from moe to change my main teaching subject. I prayed earnestly for the words to flow when I speak to her. The call ended within minutes. I am to mail her the reasons explicity to why I want to drop the current and pursue the other. Time to get down to writing a convincing and highly convicting letter for the approval of the upper management. Will they go ahead with my interests as priority or theirs? See, they've gotta keep their labour needs in mind; they have got a quota when they signed & bonded us with a contract. Guess it's no point worrying, will just commit it all to the Lord.
I pray for His will to be done. =)

i just saw "the sweetest thing" on tv. had sucha good laugh. the girls doing absolutely dumb bimbotic naughty stuff under the same roof. i missssssss screaming & bitching bout boys and talking bout naughty stuff with GIRLS! oops that's the naughty bit of me. don't be judgmental! it's releasing insanity in exchange for sanity. highly necessary in a boring, mundane & serious weekday lifestyle.

just abit of 'the OC' - california hollywood lifestyle. i feel a surge of wildness when i think of it! OOooooo



my inspiration! hee

the holidays are right about the corner. 3 months baby!!
1) to lose my flabs = lose 5 kg i put on since i got to nus. i really don't know what happened. like as if. heh
Action:
(a) hit the gyms lazy bum!
(b) eat moderately = veg, fruits, and meat. NO CARBO! lol *anyone who sees me eat CARB has the liberty to abuse me VERBALLY*
(c) apply loads of stretch mark cream to get rid of the extra skin after the weight
loss! *YUCKS* serve me right! =/

2) read and read and read, readings of my new found interest = history. and "the Case for a Creator" by Lee Strobel. by refreshing tea *no sugar to comply with action 1(b)* and NO CAKES. i'm deprived.

3) watch Korean drama shows = tear jerking or hilarious love shows. "Full House" is the first. ready for the marathon baby?

4) get my ass stuck to a seat for an 8 hour job, preferably not. any part time 3 month job to recommend? i prefer to smile, serve and walk about and have cash tucked into my pockets! good deal. no dirty thoughts please. =)

5) be a global trotter! = visiting bangkok with nisey! and my other babes. lol
alternatively with whee & his guyfriends *sulks* i don't like being only girl.
Action:
(a)-(z) shop shop shop
heh

6) i want my friends back in my life!
Action:
(a) meet up with cheryl = food & shopping, serene = tea & spa!?, jen,jia,kim = celebrate jen's 21st! NISE, grace, jane, ling, jia = celebrate NISE's 21st!
(b) meet up with OTHERS!

CAN'T WAIT!!!!!

anymore to add to the list?

i'll update if i remember any. yeah baby! that's getting a life. . . . . . .

B>Greetings