i'd sucha rotttten weekend. to the extent i'm decaying/rotting inside right now. i realised reaching this age, friends around you are so caught up in their activities, we hardly greet and ask how's each other doing - to stop for a moment in our busyness to show care & love to our close ones. (i'm absolutely guilty about that) i've neglected friends around me, my family, most importantly God. i think i've left Him for about a year plus - indulging in sinful pleasures. i often paused for a short moment to seek Him,ultimately seeking my own will as priority. i could hardly listen well to my friend's advice bout bastards. i was confused and listened to my feelings and any advice that came along my path -i took those i want to hear and impulsively rush into it. wisdom? i'd none.

where has the true bubbly, cheerful, innocent, simple and loving person in me gone to? seems like that part of me has died. only to find myself in shabby dirty linens; not too close friends have somewhat grew disappointed in me. i feel i'm left in that dark alley, cold, fearful and alone.

the disaster began from:
i've left Jonathan, my ex boyfriend last may 2004, a beautiful two and a half year relationship. for silly reason i rather not elaborate. oh but main thing i had in mind when i left that relationship was to focus on God and pursue my goals. somewhat i felt that being in a relationship,you become short-sighted bout the bigger picture. i'm still young. and if i'm just to waste my youth, with relationships consuming me, how am i to learn and do many things that i could not do later when i work??? never did i realise, i would stray away from my initial goal.

i got entangled in momentary fun - flings. yes it is ugly to get into short term flings. either me or the other party might suffer unless both is clear that it's just for fun and no feelings be involved ultimately. sadly, i didn't get myself out of the rut for a long while.

just this may 05, i reconciled a friendship i had with this guy. let's call him SS. we lost touch close to half a year. i left him supposedly on the grounds that he wanted to pursue something beyond friendship then in dec 04. i didnt want to and he found it hard to continue with friendship thus we grew apart.

when we returned to each other's lives this may 05, we grew closer than before. his dad was hospitalised due to serious cancer. i was there for him. guess with that, he found great comfort and the liking he had deepened. i gave myself a chance to this extremely nice, genuine guy. mum, sis and close friends encouraged me to since he's sucha good man. i guess i got into it believing that love can be nurtured. cut the whole story short, it turned out negative. NO, love cannot be nurtured. i've known him since my jc days. and well i've always looked at him as a mature man who gave good advice. i usually heed them since they made sense and were wise. i supposed i couldn't try to stir love out of friendship and make it real or seem real. i'll be cheating myself.

i broke SS's heart real bad. it turned out sour. threats, mean words all came out from him. i broke down at his continual lashing for the past weeks. it ended on a quiet note last night. i really pray now that the rough times has cease. i'm to make a decision to the cards he laid down last night. i pray God now show me wisdom to make the decision, one that i'll not regret. yes regrets are terrible things to bear.

dear friends, please pray for me when you read this. i apologise for indulging in myself too much the past months, i've neglected most of you.

B>Greetings